Aliens Made Us Do It So We Made The Doctor Talk T
by paranoidangel
Summary: Aliens Made Us Do It So We Made The Doctor Talk Them Out Of It. SarahHarry sort of. This may be crack!fic.


Summary: I think the title says it all really. Sarah/Harry sort of. This may be crack!fic.  
Beta: by hhertzof  
Notes: The aliens made us do it scenario is sort of taken from Blakes 7's Ultraworld. Certainly the name of the aliens and their planet is based on it.

"You want us to what?"

Harry winced at the volume of Sarah's voice; not that he could really blame her for he was just as uncomfortable about the situation. It did at least have the side-effect of stopping the Doctor from giving them that inane grin. Because it was just not funny at all.

"All we require," the strange blue alien said, "is a demonstration of the human bonding ritual. We were given to understand that this is something often performed on your world. Is this not so?"

It had all started off so well. Apart from the blue of the aliens who called themselves Megas (they did not seem to have individual names) being the same shade of dirt on the planet that sounded like it was called Megaworld, which Harry found a little unlikely. It was all a bit blue at first but the Megas had been perfectly accommodating and happy to offer them a feast.

Which it certainly was - he was still feeling full, despite being temporarily put off by the colour of the food. Sarah had muttered to him at one point early on about what the catch might be and he had reassured her that there did not always have to be one. Now it seemed that she was right.

Sarah managed to get as far as "Um..." in reply before what looked like a small remote recording device of some kind hovered close to her face hopefully and she was more concerned with ducking to avoid it hitting her. It blinked red lights at her for a moment before going back to shining a steady green one and turning round for another go.

Harry took pity and rescued her - not that he expected any thanks for it, but he always did it anyway. "You're right but we don't generally perform it on command or in public." He almost added something about being able to choose your partner but Sarah would probably only get offended whether he suggested he would or would not pick her.

"So, what then, is the explanation for this?" The Mega pulled a thin box about eight inches by six from a pocket inside his blue coat. "This film contradicts what you describe."

Harry did not know what the box was, presumably some sort of futuristic or alien recording device, but the picture on it of two mostly naked people made it clear what sort of film it was - if the title had not been enough of a clue. "The people in it," he said, "are actors. They do this for money."

"Ah, so you would like to be paid for your services?" Before Harry could say anything to correct him, the Mega pulled out some glittering gold jewels and held them in his hand, offering them to Harry and Sarah.

Harry marvelled at the show of colour on this strange, blue world but beyond that could not work out what to say to the Mega to convince him. So he did the only thing he could think of in this situation: he panicked. "Doctor," he said, "you don't think you could, um, convince him, that, well..."

The Doctor frowned. "You don't want to do this?"

"No!" Harry replied quickly.

"Oh. Sarah?"

Sarah never quite took her eyes off the recording device, but shook her head and said, "You don't really think we would, do you?"

The Doctor shrugged. "I don't know. You humans can be a bit odd, sometimes."

Harry supposed they would seem as strange to the Doctor as he sometimes was to them. But still, given all the time he had spent among humans, if he really was as old as he claimed, Harry would have thought this was something the Doctor might have picked up on. Sarah obviously agreed because she rolled her eyes.

The Doctor did at least do as Harry asked, though, and grinned at the Mega as he offered him a jelly baby and took him to one side. Harry did not really want to know what he was telling the alien, given the hand gestures and furtive looks in their direction that were going on.

Since it looked like the Doctor was going to be his usual verbose self and they would be there for some time, Harry sat down on a lone rock he had nearly tripped over earlier. It was blue, of course. Sarah folded her arms and glared at the recorder but she was unlikely to win a staring battle with it. Eventually she gave it a good whack with her hand. It whirred unhappily and whizzed off to irritate the Doctor instead. Or at least, it tried. The Doctor kept giving it toothy grins and in the end it was forced to admit defeat and set itself down on the floor. The Mega tapped it with his foot and its lights stopped blinking.

Harry laughed but stopped when he looked back over to Sarah, who was rubbing her hand. When she looked up she lifted her chin and dared him to say anything. He wisely kept quiet and she sat on the rock beside him.

"I'm hurt," she said.

Harry just about managed an inarticulate sound at this. He was fairly certain he had not misinterpreted her expression but now she was confusing him - not that this was necessarily anything new. He was trying to decide whether asking how much pain she was in would be a good idea or an extremely bad one when she spoke first.

"That you didn't want to 'perform the human bonding ritual' with me," she clarified in a tone of voice that told him exactly how stupid she thought he was.

If Harry had not known better he would have sworn his heart stopped beating for a moment. "Um," he said, very aware she had the upper hand in this conversation. It was not that Sarah was not a nice enough girl but he had never imagined she liked him in that way. Half the time he was not sure she liked him in any way. "Well, you're very..." he began but could not choose which word to use next without getting himself into trouble.

He did not have to finish his sentence because Sarah got up and sat back down on his lap, facing him. His hands somehow found themselves resting on her hips without any conscious action on his part, while hers were around his neck. He was fairly certain now there would be no way he would be performing the 'human bonding ritual' with her at any point in the near future because what he mostly felt was terror with the uncertainly of what she might be about to do next.

"Do you mean to say," he said, "that you wanted to?"

He was completely baffled to see her smile before she put a hand to her mouth to hide it. It did not make much difference, though, because before long she was laughing. Harry would be the first to admit he did not understand women, Sarah especially, but he had thought some time in her company might have helped that a little. It seemed not, though.

"No," she said, when she stopped to breathe. "But it was funny making you think I did. The expression on your face." And she was off again, this time leaning her head against his shoulder as she laughed helplessly.

Over her shoulder Harry saw the Doctor and the Mega look over at them. The alien pointed in their direction and said something that Harry could not hear. The Doctor pulled out another jelly baby which seemed to keep them both occupied. Harry just sighed and shook his head. Someday in the future he would laugh about this. Maybe in ten years time, he thought. For now, he was just glad they had the Doctor to get them out of these sorts of situations.


End file.
